Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
When are your genitals available?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
