I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
