I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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