Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
