Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
