And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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