They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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