she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just want to make out with him forever
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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