I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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