I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
even my farts smell like vagina
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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