i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
where does the pee come out of this thing
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
