No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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