someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
