i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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