guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
