so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
