Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just had sex on a roof
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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