I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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