the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
