checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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