# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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