if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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