I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
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