Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
