I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
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