Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize