you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize