I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
