1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
