Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
