She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
