did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
i think i just naturally attract stoners
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
