you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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