Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
