Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize