We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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