I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
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