By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
