i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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