Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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