All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
