I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The Olympian is in my bed
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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