When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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