dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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