textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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