i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
