Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
