I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
