Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
