I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
