Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
