Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
