Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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