The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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