My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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