A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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