The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
