I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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