Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
