3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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