I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
